Should I eat? Am I hungry? The last several days have been a mix of eating healthy, balanced meals and eating junk food with a tiny bit of binge eating. This makes me feel incredibly uneasy. All trust in myself and my hunger signals and cravings is lost.
Am I really craving that sandwich/piece of cake/cookie, candy bar, burger, drink, gelato (all things I’ve eaten the last few days that make me antsy) or do I want it just because it’s unhealthy and I’m in an unhealthy phase right now so I should eat it now because when I’m eating healthy I shouldn’t eat it or else this whole cycle will start over again?
This is a rambling thought and that is the perfect way to describe my mind when my eating disorder clouds all sound judgment. Rambling. I have a rambling mind today.
This morning I wake up and I’m not sure if I’m hungry. I’m not sure what I want to eat. I’m not sure if I should eat. I’m not sure how the day will turn out because days are still measured by what I eat, which means happiness is still measured by what I eat, which means I am not recovered.
I hate mornings like this. I hate that I have more trust in strangers than I do myself. I hate that after 8 years of tormenting myself over my body, weight, emotions, past, emptiness, and self-image, I still can’t get my shit together.
Why is this so hard? I strongly believe that the physical appearance of my body isn’t remotely tied to my worth as a person. I cognitively know this, but I can’t seem to separate the two after so many years of them being so intricately dependent on each other.
After days of restless mornings fighting this internal battle I often get tired and decide not to eat until I’m sure that I’m hungry and feel more confident in my decision of what I want. This can mean that I don’t eat until late at night because all day I am debating, assessing, questioning, ruminating… the mind of those with eating disorders is a constant buzz of uncertainty.
I feel panicked, but it’s iceberg panic, or at least that’s how I like to call it. Panic below the surface. When I take a step back and realize how often I am panicked and restless without anyone knowing it, all while still being able to function at a high level in society, working, hanging out with friends, being active, I amaze myself.
I’m such a confusing creature. So confusing that I confuse myself. I’m confused where my identity got lost and when anorexia consumed it. I’m confused how after extensive education in psychology, eating disorders, and therapy, I still have days where I’m not sure what next step to take.
Part of me doesn’t want to get up today because that means I will have to face these decisions and decisions in this state of mind are hard. I feel frozen. Frozen in the iceberg panic.
Does anyone else have these days?